Surrender All: How to Let Go of the Need to Control

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” Luke 22:42 ESV

A few years ago, after my mother's passing, we held a Celebration of Life service for her. As you might expect, it was a time of laughter and of tears. Because Mom passed away just before Christmas, we decided to wait until after the first of the year to hold her memorial. 

The weeks prior were filled with planning and preparation. Mom wanted a small service. No fuss. Right. There is no way to honor the person who brought us into this world without making a fuss. With a reasonable budget in mind, we ordered flowers, secured the church, contacted the minister, set a menu, and planned the order of service. 

My brother, a musician, painstakingly set to the task of inviting his brass band to play Mom’s favorite hymns, as well as leading his church worship team in some of her, and our, most treasured praise songs. My sister flew in days before the event to take care of last-minute details. She designed creations with her own personal touch—ones I know Mom would have loved. My sister-in-law planned a simple, yet warm, reception that Mom would have appreciated, making our guests feel comfortable and welcomed. 

We were ready to go. We had planned and prepared. We had done all we could do to make the day as special as possible. We prayed that the day would honor our mother, this woman who meant everything to us.

Jesus Lived a Life of Surrender

As I thought about the ceremony we so carefully planned for our mother, I considered Jesus and His relationship with His Father. The purpose of the Lord's life on this earth was to bring glory to His Father by doing His will. Jesus understood the planning, preparation, and surrender it would take to honor His Father.

“I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed.” John 17:4-5 ESV

Jesus understood that honoring His Father meant completing the work He was sent to do. Jesus wasn’t here to sleep in or to shirk His responsibilities. He was here to do a job that would involve hard work, sleepless nights, hours of prayer, exhausting journeys, and sacrificing His own plans for those of His Father who sent Him. He lived His life surrendered to the will of His Father.

He did this all for the glory of God.

“For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.” John‬ ‭6‬:‭38‬ ‭ESV

Surrendering the Need to Control

As we neared the beginning of the service, my anxiety grew within me. Not over last-minute details or concern over sharing my mother’s life story. Instead, the angst I felt welling up inside me was over my struggling son, who had arrived just before the service “a little off.” And with his arrival, came my desperate need to shift attention off the day’s event and place it fully on him. My thoughts went from honoring my mother to focusing on my son and his behavior.

How could he show up at this most sacred time in this condition? How could he do this to me? What was he thinking? I specifically asked him to not come if he wasn’t fit for the occasion. This was not the time for him to require attention I was unable to give. 

But when we live with a loved one struggling with addiction or mental illness, we don’t get to call the shots. The boundaries, rules, and expectations we try to enforce are being pushed from every side—and we can drive ourselves stir crazy trying to enforce them. The Bible calls this “hard-pressed.”

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8 ESV

It is in situations like these that we become perplexed, not knowing what to do. Do we let them stay and risk their creating a disturbance? Do we insist they leave and risk them making a public scene? As our confusion rises, our anxiety increases. The pressure to make a decision right now makes making that decision nearly impossible. Like a deer in the headlights, we feel paralyzed, unable to act. 

Looking to my husband to handle the situation meant it would most likely not be handled in a manner that would bring any real resolution to the situation. He has a tendency to take a “wait and see” approach, while I tend to act now and pay later for my impulsive, take-charge decisions. The situation demanded I throw out an S.O.S. prayer—pleading with God to handle it and show us what to do. Going against my nature, I chose to surrender to God’s will and let go of my need to be in control.

Entering the church, we sat together as a family. Our son was quiet and respectful, but we knew what was potentially lingering under the surface. Tempted to ask my husband to remove him from the service to spare me any potential embarrassment, I heard the Lord speak in His still-small voice, “Let go of the things you have no control over. Accept the things you cannot change. Let Me handle this.” 

At that moment, in agreement, I surrendered. That moment was not about me. My son’s actions were not about me. They did not reflect on me; therefore, they should not embarrass me. He is an adult, and anything he did would be fully on him. 

“Surrender this moment and all the fractions of moments ahead to Me.”

“Pray and release. Trust Me and let go.”

With trembling hands and a quivering heart, my only choice was to surrender my will to the will of my Father.

“Surrender this moment and all the fractions of moments ahead to Me.” ~ Jesus 

It was time for the service to begin. Out of the corner of my eye I watched and prayed. My broken and beautiful son struggled and fidgeted. He occasionally nodded off. During the praise and worship, he sang every word. Anxiously he awaited his opportunity to speak. He had worked so hard on his tribute to his beloved grandmother. He was her first-born grandchild. He wanted her to be proud. I prayed he would doze during the time when everyone was invited to share. Instead, he was wide awake, armed with carefully-penned words written in his notebook.  

Feeling nervous and somewhat manic, he faced his fears and stood to honor this matriarch of our family. “Accept the things you cannot change.”

Without hesitation, he spoke with clarity moments that he shared with his precious grandmother. Times and events I had either forgotten or not witnessed were forever etched in his mind. “Not my will, but Thine, be done, dear Jesus.”

As he finished and sat down, the realization of what I had just observed washed over me. I had almost hindered the will of God because of my own fear and lack of faith. In failing to surrender my need to control, I would have missed the blessing of witnessing the Lord's will fulfilled in and through my child. And while others were stoic in the moment—bored and restless with the length of the service—he was present and ready to take part. 

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;" 1 Corinthians 1:28 ESV

Breathing a sigh of relief and thanksgiving, I let go for that moment of my boundaries, my walls, and my expectations. I saw the power of releasing prayer at work in my son and in myself. The Lord knows I surrendered with clenched fists. It was not easy. He had to pry my fingers open. Asking the will of God to be done in our lives and those of our loved ones is an act of total surrender. But the blessings we receive in doing so are immeasurable.

Dear Lord. 

We choose to believe in surrender. We offer ourselves to You as a sacrifice. We ask that it be your will that is done in us and through us. We pray that our loved ones will surrender their will to you as well. We desire to glorify You in our actions. May we choose obedience over comfort. Surrender over self-protection. We choose to trust and obey You. In Jesus' name. 

Amen. 

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Are you a mother trying to cope with the painful reality of your adult child's addiction or self-destructive behaviors?

From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children offers guidance to mothers grappling with the anguish of their child’s addiction. Through Biblical truths and personal insights, you will discover the lies keeping you trapped in guilt and shame and experience the transforming power of God’s grace to set you and your loved ones free.

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