Grieving What Never Was: Healing the Wound of an Absent Father

By Guest Writer, Katy Parker.

 “And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Today, I feel gently led to share something I rarely speak about, but which has long lived quietly in my heart. Not for sympathy, and not to dwell in the sadness, but because I know I’m not the only one carrying a quiet ache. Sometimes, what we’re feeling is grief. Not the kind that follows death, but the kind that comes from the absence of, and longing for the things we needed but never received. The things that were never given. That’s why I want to share a piece of my story with you - because maybe, just maybe, your soul recognizes it, too.

I can still hear the banging on the door at midnight. The doorbell going ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong until I couldn’t bear it anymore.

Another sleepless night.

Another drunken homecoming.

Another memory etched into my mind.

Even now, years, even decades later, I can still see the face of my father, slumped and glassy-eyed, on the other side of that door.

Some childhood memories don’t fade with time. This is one of them.

But back then, it wasn’t a crisis.

It was normal.

The father I needed but didn’t get.

A childhood I should’ve had.

The sense of safety, comfort, and belonging that never came.

I used to believe that if I didn’t talk about it, it would go away.

The pain.

The fear.

The emptiness.

But it never did.

It followed me - haunting me silently, shaping how I saw myself, how I trusted others, how I walked through the world.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

I never got the father I longed for.

And it made my heart sick for a very long time.

I didn’t know I needed to process it.

I didn’t even realize it was grief.

After all, how can you grieve something you never had?

But I’ve since learned - that’s not only possible, it’s necessary.

For a long time, I pushed that grief down.

But one day, it caught up with me at the most unexpected moment.

A Mirror, a Memory, and a Realization

It happened unexpectedly - after one of my psychologist visits, part of my recovery from my accident.

That week, I had managed to drive 15 miles on my own for the first time since the accident.

To many, that may not seem like much.

To me, it was a victory, a breakthrough I shared online.

People responded with encouragement. Their kind words touched me and made me feel genuinely grateful.

Later that morning, we were getting ready to go to a Christmas market.

I walked to the wardrobe, chose my clothes, and stood in front of the mirror.

And that’s when I saw her.

Not just me.

Her.

The little girl I once was.

The one who went through too much, too young.

The one no one protected.

And out of nowhere, the thought dropped like a stone into my heart:

“I wasn’t born to be this screwed up.”

I stared at myself, frozen, as tears slid down my cheeks.

I could see the accident not just as a traumatic event, but I saw it as a divider - a wall. 

On one side of the wall: the trauma I had silently carried since childhood.

The pain. The absence. The shame.

On the other side - maybe… just maybe… a future that looked different.

I sat on the bed, sobbing, unable to hold the tears back anymore.

Tears for everything that had been taken.

For everything I didn’t get. For everything I had never been given.

For the father I deserved but never had.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

“I sat on the bed, sobbing, unable to hold the tears back anymore.

Tears for everything that had been taken.”

~Katy Parker

A Turning Point in the Pain

When the tears finally dried, I looked into the mirror again - not with pity, but with a new kind of clarity.

And I whispered to that little girl:

“I’m so sorry for what you went through. But maybe… just maybe, the rest of your life can be the part you were always meant to live.”

What if the accident wasn’t just trauma, but rather a turning point?

What if it was the wall between the pain of the past and the promise of a new chapter?

I wiped my eyes, stood a little taller, and said it out loud:

“Enough with the pity. I can’t change the past. But that chapter is closed. I’ve got the pen now, and God is still using it.”

This time, I get to write something new.

This time, I walk forward - straight through the open door that God is holding wide.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:19 (NIV)

I can’t erase the past. The pain may still echo on hard days. But now I can look at that little girl - at myself - and say with confidence:

“You’re not screwed up. The ones who hurt you are. You were wounded.

But now, you are healing. And your story isn’t over.”

You Can Grieve and Still Move Forward

If you’ve ever felt like you didn’t deserve the hurt you carry, you're right. You didn’t.

And if you're only now realising that it’s okay to grieve the parent, the love, the protection you never had, let me tell you - you’re not too late.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

Grieving what never was isn’t weakness.

It’s courage.

It’s part of healing.

So go ahead - weep for the child you were.

Feel sorrow for what never came.

And then… pick up your pen.

Because with God, your story isn’t over.

In fact, it’s just beginning.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

A Prayer for the Girl in the Mirror

Father,

Thank You, God, for seeing the girl in the mirror.

For knowing everything she’s been through, what no one else saw, You always did.

Thank You for Your compassion, Your healing, and the grace that touches the places even words can’t reach.

Help us grieve what we never had, so we can fully receive what You still long to give.

You are the Father who never fails.

And we trust You with the rest of our story.

Amen.

---

Katy Parker is a trauma-informed well-being writer, grief and loss coach, and mental health mentor who helps others navigate invisible grief in a grief-illiterate world. 

A trauma survivor and chronic pain warrior, Katy believes that God left her in this world for a reason. Drawing upon her lived experience of trauma and resilience, Katy shares her journey of healing and hope on her Journeyofsmiley blog.

She is the compassionate force behind the PTSD: My Story Project and the Grief Stories series - safe spaces where people from around the world share their difficult experiences. Katy holds a degree in Education and is the co-author of Rising Above: Stories of Overcoming.

---

From Guilt to Grace: Freedom and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children by Dawn R. Ward is now available on Amazon and B&N.

For moms with children struggling with addiction and in need of support, look up her Facebook group, Christian Moms of Addicted Children.

Images by Unsplash