Finding Strength Despite the Chaos

This month's guest blog, Finding Strength Despite the Chaos, is by our guest writer, Nancy Squires, founder of Just Be Held Ministries.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust you." Isaiah 26:3 (NIV)

Some people find their calling through success. I found mine in chaos.

I am a wife of 35 years, a mother to four adult children, and a grandmother to two beautiful little girls. But the titles don’t tell the whole story. They don’t speak to the sleepless nights, the crises, the moments I sat in a dark room wondering what in the world God was up to, or if He had even forgotten me.

The Calls

Our journey as a family hasn't been an easy road. We’ve moved 15 times. We’ve packed up our lives and unpacked them again, always hoping the next place would be different. But no matter where we went, chaos followed.

The chaos didn’t come all at once. But phone call after phone call over the years seemed to bring more and more hurtful news, and more pain as a mother.

The first call:

“Your child is cutting… did you know?”

No. I didn’t.

That moment became the first fracture in a life I thought was “normal.” Soon, it wasn’t just one child hurting, but two. Then three. Pain became the new normal of our home.

Words like…

mental illness…

addiction…

abuse…

suicide…

became the language we spoke. My motherhood no longer looked like carpools and birthday cakes; it looked like therapy appointments, crisis plans, and hidden tears.

As quickly as they came in, our paychecks went out the door to…

counselors…

programs…

doctors…

medicines...

I found myself increasingly alone in those days. My friends just didn’t understand what I was going through. I feared, and received, judgment from others when I would attempt to share what was going on, so it just became easier to hold it all in.

And my faith? It was tested daily.

I cried out to God in desperation—Why this path? Why this pain? Why my children? I didn’t understand why any of this was happening. I begged God to fix it.

But in the middle of that unrelenting storm, something unexplainable began to grow: a deeper awareness of God’s presence. The chaos was still there, and there was more to come, but the harder things got, the more I felt that I wasn’t walking alone.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” And I was certainly crushed. But also, the Lord was indeed near.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

And I knew I had to cling to His word...to His promises…to Him, if I was going to survive.

In Deuteronomy 31:6, it says: “Do not be afraid or terrified…for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

God was not going to leave me. Even though I couldn’t always feel that I knew it to be true. One by one, as my children’s problems surfaced and intensified, each situation tested me, tested my faith, but I continued to cling to God’s Word.

When one of my children came out as gay, terrified of my response, I had a choice: react out of fear or respond out of love. God reminded me through His Word exactly what He wanted of me.

It says in John 13:34-35, “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

"A new command give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35 (NIV)

God clearly told me to love my child unconditionally. And so, I loved. Imperfectly, but intentionally and without condition.

The Chaos Continues

But still the chaos continued. My child who had been cutting was in a downward spiral.

We decided to move in hopes of a fresh start and better resources to help. That move to Orlando would prove to be among our most important moves, as that is where we found Hope for Hurting Parents, a ministry that provides resources for parents hurting over destructive behavior or choices of their children--and a ministry we partner with today at Just Be Held. The founders Tom and Dena Yohe came alongside my husband and me and walked with us. We were no longer alone—God had answered one of my prayers.

But still, I questioned God, why? Why was this continuing to happen in my family?

God led me to Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

God was telling me that He was going to use my pain, my family’s pain, for good and to glorify Him. But I knew it wasn’t time yet. The chaos wasn’t close to over."

God was telling me that He was going to use my pain, my family’s pain, for good and to glorify Him." ~Nancy Squires

Another phone call with terrible news. I would soon lose my father to pancreatic cancer. Then, in the midst of my pain at losing the man who was my rock, another wave nearly knocked me down. It came to light that my husband had an addiction that he had been hiding all 23 years of our marriage. It nearly ended our marriage. I was once again on my knees, begging God to make it stop. But again, God didn’t abandon us. He brought people who could hold us up, and He allowed our marriage to be rebuilt on deeper ground.

When I discovered one of my children had been sexually abused by an extended family member—and I had missed the signs—I didn’t spiral as I once would have. This time, I had been prepared. God had strengthened me. While I was still heartbroken and angry, I was also… thankful. God had surrounded my child with people who loved them, who were sitting there at the table that day to support them as they shared their pain with me.

Still, the chaos didn’t end. It never really does. There were more phone calls…a suicide attempt, an unplanned pregnancy, the end of an abusive relationship leading to a hard custody battle. Anxiety and depression at an all-time high for that now-adult child of mine.

It seemed nothing had changed, that nothing ever would change. But what HAD changed was me. Not because the pain went away, but because I no longer feared it would break me.

I stopped asking “Why?” and started asking “What now?”

What could God do with this mess?

What could He make out of what felt so broken?

And finally, the answer came.

Beauty from Ashes

In March of 2021, God gave me a vision in the middle of the mess. A vision that would become Just Be Held Ministries, a safe haven for women walking through the fire.

Women like me. Women who feel alone, exhausted, hopeless, ashamed, and afraid.

I wanted women who are living in chaos to come to a retreat and feel seen and heard and loved. These retreats aren’t just events. They are sacred spaces where weary hearts find rest, healing, and connection. Where the chaos isn’t dismissed, but it is no longer faced alone.

I wanted other women to know what I learned—that even when the storm still rages, God is doing something. He is forming something. And He is faithful in the middle of the pain, not just at the end of it. I wanted them to know they are being held by their Heavenly Father.

Today, my life is still far from chaos-free. There have been three more suicide attempts by my kids, another child born to unwed parents, my mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and my husband and I went through a period of separation. In all of this, I know God is with me, that even when I can’t see Him working, He is faithful to carry me through.

Our family is still hurting, but I have learned to lean hard into God and keep my eyes on HIM.  

My prayer is always, “Help me to remember to look to you first, God. To seek Your wisdom in how I walk through my day. May I walk with You, not ahead of You, not behind, but right with You—Trusting that YOU will guide me in my decisions and actions throughout this day.”

Yes, the phone still rings with news that makes my heart sink. But now I know that I’m not alone in it, and that has made all the difference.

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Nancy Squires, Founder and Executive Director of Just Be Held Ministries

Just Be Held Ministries offers retreats and resources to help a weary soul. They exist to provide a safe, faith-based place for women who are living in chaos and have neglected their own needs—because they are helping to fight the battles of loved ones dealing with addiction or mental health issues, or they are wrestling with the grief of lost expectations for their children or husbands. JBH retreats are designed to offer these women rest, hope, spiritual encouragement, and connection so that when they return home, they are more equipped to navigate life’s next challenge with strength and courage. To learn more about this thriving ministry, visit justbeheldministries.org. To contact Nancy, email her nancy@justbeheld.org.

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*Disclaimer: This information does not replace medical advice. If you are in immediate physical danger or experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, please call 911 immediately.

Images by Wix and Canva.